I'm going to listen to two mashups until I get this LaTeX abomination* working.
This is either a good idea or a terrible idea.
*: Row-spanning cells, with colored backgrounds, in a longtabu, with variable-height rows. Luckily a coworker has contributed code that's likely to do most of the job.
1: http://bootiemashup.com/top10files/2019/Bootie%20Top%2010%20-%2004-2019/DJ%20Schmolli%20-%20Belong%20To%20Me%20(Pat%20Benatar%20vs.%20Ellie%20Goulding%20%26%20Diplo%20%26%20Swae%20Lee).mp32: http://bootiemashup.com/top10files/2019/Bootie%20Top%2010%20-%2004-2019/Frail%20Limb%20Purity%20-%20Juno%20(Modern%20English%20vs.%20the%20xx).mp3
Followup: this was a bad idea. I got the thing I wanted to have working working, though.
The only way to have it working appears to break something *else*, but I'm calling that a problem for tomorrow-or-later.
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